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by good old Jackie Warner. I wanted it, but was too lazy to walk over to the counter to check it out. So I asked Ella to do it for me. It would give her a sense of responsibility. And plus, I would be working off 10 pounds soon. I needed to reserve my energy.She read the title, then looked at me with concern and said, "Mom, these never work."
And I replied, "GET IT!!!!!!!!"
She rolled her eyes and checked it out.
I got home and tore through the book. I learned that for 10 days I would eat around 900 calories a day and as a result my ass would fall right off. I loved reading all the rules and restrictions. Rules and restrictions are my jam. It's what made me such a good Mormon for so long. Naturally, I followed the diet exactly. I looked forward to my hearty breakfast of 1/4 cup oatmeal and one walnut everyday. ONE WALNUT. I broke it up into tiny pieces so each bite included a morsel of it. It was heaven.
It was awful. The day I took this picture, Rob put Ella to bed because I was not in the mood. As she was about to fall asleep she asked him, "Why does mom gotta try to eat healthy? She used to be so nice! She wasn't even that fat."
I wasn't that fat, but now I look amazing. Who cares if all of Ella's eating issues stem from this moment in her life? Who cares if I prematurely started an eating disorder in her? Who cares about all that nonsense because I lost ten pounds! Totally worth it if you ask me. So proud of myself right now. Really everything couldn't be going any better over here. Mostly because I'm so skinny!
You. Are. Hilarious. Thank you for this. You're amazing not because you're a skinny wee thing (although, yay you!) but because you've lived to tell the tale of surviving on one walnut and quarter of a cup of oats. Seriously. If that's all I had to eat (according to the 'rules') I'd have eaten my left arm. Kudos to you and please post more often.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious! Can't wait to read your posts :)
ReplyDeleteI've missed you, you're posts always lane me smiling. You look great and I love the dress.
ReplyDeleteHa. How many times do we have to lose that same 10 pounds?
ReplyDelete^^^^ Ditto Plummer
ReplyDeleteI always try and tell my husband my eating issues are my moms fault but please buy me ice cream in the same sentence, since he is a good husband he keeps his mouth shut and buys the ice cream.
ReplyDeleteI honestly didn't know how to read this post. You are a hilarious writer and I'm a big fan of your blog, but in the end I felt mostly the self-loathing and desperation, thinly veiled with humor, instead of a sense of triumph. Most women, myself included, can relate to the body unhappiness that fuels a crash/starvation diet. I tried it in my teens and ended up gaining the ten pounds I lost and then some. Mostly, though, I felt like I'd lost my mind. Starving yourself, I found, really fuels depression whether it is underground or obvious. Hoping this won't be the case for you. I've found some measure of peace around food and weight through the words of Geneen Roth, if you are not already aware of her. Check on Geneen Roth on Women Food and God on YouTube - I think she makes a ton of sense and her message really resonates with me. Maybe it will with you as well. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back! Missed you!
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of skinny people who are not happy....be fat and happy.
ReplyDeleteI felt uncomfortable reading this--especially because of how implicated in the post Ella was. She may not seem to care or be absorbing this, but I remember my mom always trying to lose weight when I was young (and in particular, her never wanting to be in photos because she didn't like how she looked), and it definitely contributed to negative body image, the belief that my worth was tied to my weight, an understanding that women should always be trying to lose weight (and be vocal about that desire), and an eating disorder during my teens and twenties.
ReplyDeleteGo clean your room!!! Hahaha
ReplyDeleteSorry Sharon, I am a long time reader and I love your writting, but this post didn't make me laugh. I know you are being ironic and autocritical, but it made me feel very sad for your beautiful Ella. I am a mother of two young girls (2 & 4) and the subject of body image, weight loss and eating disorders is very sensitive for me. I really want them to develop a healthy relationship with food and a strong self confidence. I don't even tolerate people talking about weight as a subject in front of them. I know they will eventually be exposed to all this madness, I just hope they will have a good base that will help them face all of this at this point.
ReplyDeletein defense of this post, I'll quote the great Chris Rock:
DeleteIf I were a new comic, could I get away with [9/11 material]? Probably not. But there's over 20 years of a relationship here. It's no different than a restaurant you eat at a lot of times: "Okay, what is this thing they're putting in front of me?So-and-so's a good chef, let me try it." The first bite wasn't great, but you keep chewing because you trust the chef. If it were a place you've never eaten, you'd spit it out the first time you felt uncomfortable.
While I haven't been blogging for 20 years, I hope you keep chewing because you trust the chef :)
I will Sharon :-) Thank you for your reply.
DeleteXxx
Ha to Louise Plummer. As someone who went from a size 4 to a 14 in 4 short years (HA!) I have tried and failed at many fad diets, (mostly because I learned to cook 4 years ago. Funny how that little skill could wreak so much havoc.) I'm pretty impressed with your take on this. I generally am the same way. Weight comes off, smiles come off; weight goes on, smiles go on. Screw it, I'll be fat and cheery for the rest of my (shorter) life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought you were pretty gorgeous before that 10 pound weight loss.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in 8th grade, my mom checked herself into a facility to treat the eating disorder she'd been silently struggling with. She had to stay there for two months, over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Needless to say, this post brought up a lot of feelings for me - none of them good. I wish you only the best on your path to healthy eating and healthy body image. May you smile along the way, know that those around you love you exactly the way you are, and take the time to savor what you love most about life.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon. Thanks for being so honest about your weight issues/struggles. I think kids can sense when their mom is unhappy/ displeased with herself ( mood, body issues, etc) so even if you don't "talk" about it, kids can pick up thru cues. I think it's really refreshing and takes a lot of guts to share your personal weight issues. I'm sure a lot of mothers knowingly or unknowingly behave similarly....so why point fingers or be so judgemental?
ReplyDeleteAmazing. You look wonderful but then, you always did.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad was anorexic. This reopened some wounds.
ReplyDeletei'm 99% sure i know who wrote this and i love you.
DeleteOMG! Where have you BEEN?!! I've missed you. I just freaken ordered the book. It's confirmed... I should only read your blog because for some awesome reason, your posts are always on point as it pertains to my life! I want to be a MILF in two weeks before we head down to Orlando to meet Mickey and the gang. J/K. Not Really. I just want to be thin again. Maybe 1/2 a walnut a day for me to lose the gut but anyhow, I'm actually really excited to do this! You look amazing!! Congratulations! :)
ReplyDeleteI would just like to add, I was a papergirl from age 10-15, having to wake up so early 7 days a week for 5 yrs really traumatized me, oh, and I had a customer on my route, same street even, who was anorexic. Thank you for bring back my paper girl trauma.
ReplyDeleteI always come to your blog for a good laugh. Thank you for your hilarious insights into being a mother/woman. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI am CRACKING UP! So, then of course i had to click the link on the book. I love the reviews that pop up. Lauren G's caught my attention: "I was really excited to start her diet. I like all of the foods she has you eating and was not feeling overly starving." Not overly starving?! So, I clicked on it. Lauren PASSED OUT on day 3. PASSED OUT. Omg. I know I shouldn't laugh at such things, but....i'm cracking up between this post and poor Lauren G.
ReplyDeleteoh god, poor ella. i hope she continues to know this isn't right.
ReplyDeletei had anorexia, bulimia and exercise bulimia, as encouraged by my anorexic mother and this post still made me laugh. in fact, it made me feel great. if only my mom could have owned her own struggles-- i think i would have felt less afraid and had a better sense of humor and freedom when it came to food. adults and children alike struggle with "liking themselves" and pretending that its easy or effortless can really serve to alienate people with their own troubles. moms get grumpy for all kinds of reasons and it's ok for your kids to know that you hate dieting but you're doing it cause you're still figuring your stuff out. what parent is a perfect example?? and when it comes to "how the fuck do i have a body that i like, " at least sharon exhibits some real perspective about it-- at the end of the day, you're all laughing about it. ella will be fine with a mom like this. she will be great. keep up the good work, sharon. you look great and you'll hit your stride without having to eat 900 calories a day sooner than later. i still diet but i don't let it rule my life like i used to-- now i know to laugh at myself.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. I look forward to reading your honest thoughts and love your humorous perspective. Your realistic approach is so refreshing in a world full of bloggers with "perfect lives." Keep it up.
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