Impeding Doom: Fall Fashion and Mom's Diet (a diet book for children!)

it's astonishing how many "before" pictures i've taken of myself. sometimes i'm in my underwear and other times, like this 2012 edition, i keep things decent. i've yet to take an after shot.  

Fall in almost here. I fear what's coming up soon. Jean shopping. It's worse than bathing suit shopping.

With bathing suits, I just buy one. I go into the whole experience knowing my body isn't going to look perfect. I try on 3 suits and pick the one that makes my boobs look the biggest. Done. With jeans, however, I'm faced with a zipper and button situation on a perpetually 4 months pregnant belly. Squeezing all that into a jeans ain't easy or fun. It's the universal dilemma of never getting the jeans to match up, either they're too lose in the leg or too tight on my hips.

More than ever, I want to look sleek and stylish in pants, but then I throw them on and suddenly I look straight out of a Gap commercial from 1998. I jump and jive my way right out of the fitting room.

Last fall, I was training for the NYC marathon and was even vegan for a month. The jeans I bought during that time were tiny and amazing. After I stopped training, ate whatever I wanted and gained fifteen pounds, those jeans didn't feel so comfortable anymore. Did I buy new ones? Nope. Too prideful. On a beautiful day in May, the seams in the crotch gave up their fight. It was obscene. I declared it the first day of summer.

I just want to let it all hang out. In the summertime, I can wear flowing dresses and I don't have a care in the world about my growing ass. The fall reminds me immediately.

So while it feels liberating to ignore diet plans for a beach body, I find myself weeks away from fall and I'm starving. It's all part of my 2013 Fall Body Diet Plan. I don't own any jeans at the moment, but when I do, they are going to look awesome. For a few weeks at least. Until the squeeze, rip, trash, SUMMER! cycle repeats itself again.

Speaking of diets, back when Ella was in first grade she brought home the worst book from school. I had to steal it. To think something like this was published in 1987! I have a feeling most copies have been burned by now, so I'm posting it here for all to see. Enjoy.

Keep reading to see the rest of the book . . .

I reallly want to track down the author and see if she's ever thought of writing a sequel.